Rest in peace my dear sweet friend.....

There are so many other things that I need to be doing.  So many….  However, my mind just keeps going back to the events of last week and the loss of a special person.  My previous mother in law, Brenda Steed passed away on Tuesday of last week. 

It’s no secret that I was married previously before I married Bryan.  Robert and I met my junior year in high school after my friend (who also happened to be his sister, Robin) introduced us when my date for my junior prom backed out at the last minute.  Robert and I went on one date and were inseparable after that. Our casual dating quickly progressed into a serious relationship.   I was also quickly adopted into his family as if I had been there all my life.  Robin and I immediately declared that we were sisters.  And His mother, Brenda, took me in and treated me as if I was her daughter.  

If there was a need or want for something then Brenda found a way to get it. She always wanted her children to be happy.   And I don’t know if I ever knew anyone who liked a good sale as much as she did.   I remember like it was yesterday.  I was going on a cruise the summer before my senior year.  I came in one afternoon to find that she had bought me a whole new wardrobe to wear.  Of course it was all on SALE…..  And then one day she found out that I collected bears.  To this day I still have bear collectibles that I initialed with “BCS” and the date she gave them to me.   It wasn’t the stuff that meant so much to me.  It was the fact that I knew that it was her way of showing her love….

She gave of her love so willingly and so freely.  I will never forget that once Robert and I started furnishing our “home” she was on a mission then.  I think she shopped every dollar store from the Florida line to Montgomery to help furnish our little mobile home.  One thing that I remember she purchased were the cutest valances for the kitchen.  They were gingham checked with black and white cows on them.  Our kitchen was decorated in black and white cows.  Yet another thing for her to surprise me with from time to time—cow stuff for the kitchen. 

Brenda was a very good cook also.  Of course she was very well known for her “little layer” chocolate cake.  However, she used to make this apple cobbler like dessert that I loved.  She would cook down apples in her cast iron frying pan and then she would take the canned biscuits that had all of the little layers and pull them apart and put them on top.  She would dust the top with cinnamon and sugar and then bake it.  It was so good.

She loved Christmas…. Not only did she love to GIVE at Christmas but she loved to decorate for Christmas.  That woman had a Christmas village that would rival some of the best ones I have seen.  

After Robert and I married she always respected the fact that I wanted to start new traditions for our little family.  I remember the first new year’s we celebrated in our home.  I cooked all the traditional foods for new years and set the table with our china.  She was always so proud to come and eat at our house. 

I’ll never forget one day Brenda bought herself a bread maker.  I kind of laugh about it because I don’t know that Brenda ever used that bread maker in the two years that Robert and I was married.  She let me try it out immediately after she bought it.  That bread maker stayed at our house and I learned to make all kinds of things in that machine.  She was happy about it because she had the better end of the deal.  She supplied the bread maker and I made all the goodies and shared them with her.  I guess I should have felt guilty about taking over her bread maker….but she didn’t mind.     In the past 12 years I have owned A LOT of kitchen gadgets.  I’ve never owned a bread maker.  I have come close to buying a bread maker several times.  Every time I think about it… I think about her. 

There are so many memories of Brenda during my time in that family.  Some of them are good and some of them are typical mother-in-law type memories.  I mean two hens are bound to tie up every now and again.  Through it all, I loved her and I know she loved me. 

After Robert and I divorced, I always tried to keep in touch with her.  I would call her from time to time to check up on her.  I always tried to call her or email her on August 2^nd- that was Robert and my anniversary.  She always sounded so happy to hear from me.  I can still hear her voice.  I can remember the phone call when she told me that she was going to be a grandmother.  She called me to tell me so I wouldn’t hear it from anyone else.  She knew about my infertility struggle and didn’t want me to be upset.  That news she shared on that phone call, although bittersweet for me, was news that I knew she had been waiting on for years.  I was so happy that she was finally getting her wish of having a grandchild.  I knew she was overjoyed. 

Over the past year or so for one reason or another, Brenda and I had not spoken.  I had heard that she was diagnosed with cancer but I did not know the extent of her battle.  I emailed her a few times and even emailed her on August 2^nd this year.  I didn’t hear back from her.   I didn’t try to call her anymore after that. I thought of her often. 

Last week after our visit to Graceland I looked up some Elvis music and began to listen to it. A lot of his music was southern gospel music. I heard a lot of songs that night that I had not heard in a long time.  I felt a sense of comfort.  I didn’t know that hundreds of miles away that very evening Brenda was losing her battle to cancer.  Unusually that night I had a bad dream and woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep for the longest time.  I can’t remember anything about the dream except that I was scared in my dream and I was gasping for breath.  I couldn’t ever settle down and go back to sleep after that so I picked up my phone and started surfing Facebook.  It was there that I found out about Brenda's death.  As I began to get up and get dressed that day I realized that I had a song stuck in my head.  The song was- “Farther Along”.  .  It wasn’t until this evening that I looked at those words on paper.   Wow… Here are the lyrics: 

Tempted and tried we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong

Chorus
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We'll understand it better by and by from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brad_paisley/farther_along.html ]
When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
And then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year

When we see Jesus coming in glory
When he comes down from his home in the sky
Then we shall meet him in that bright mansion
We'll understand it better by and by

WOW….. I didn’t realize the power in those words until tonight.  Some people may say that it all was a coincidence but I know everything happens for a reason…

After finding out about Brenda’s death I felt as if I had been hit in the chest.  My heart ached.  I struggled to know what to do or say or how to even let Robert and Robin know how sorry I was to hear about her passing.  I always wanted to be respectful of Robert’s wife, Beth.  I just didn’t know if it would even be appropriate to be there to pay my last respects to Brenda.    As Bryan and I were driving home from Mississippi that day I got a call and email from the family asking me to sing at the funeral.  I don’t even know what name to give the emotion I felt.  Brenda had told me before that she wanted me to sing at her funeral….but I NEVER thought I would actually have to. 

In all of this I must say that I have the most amazing husband in the world for him to be so understanding about all of this.  He never questioned my attending her funeral or singing.  But yet he was helpful and very supportive in getting me to Brundidge the next day for the funeral.  God has blessed me with a great man. 

I arrive at the funeral and see a lot of people that I have not seen in 12 years, including my ex-husband and his wife.  I was worried about that.  I didn’t know how I would be received.  I walked down the aisle toward Brenda’s casket and greeted Robert first.   Somehow, I retained my emotion as I gave him my condolences.  It all seemed surreal.  I NEVER thought that I would have to do that.  I greeted Robin next and I just wished I could’ve taken away her pain.  I moved on nervously to Beth. I don’t know how but I managed to talk to her. I tried to tell her how much it meant to me that I was able to be there.  There was so much I wanted to say to her.  I wanted to tell her how happy I was that she and Robert found love and have a family. I couldn’t find all the words.   I probably never will.  I hugged her and told her how sorry I was that she and I had to meet under these circumstances.  I probably was a bumbling idiot when talking to her.  Who knew that I would meet her standing at Brenda’s casket?  Wow…

 I still couldn’t believe that I was here in the church that I joined 12 years ago saying goodbye to Brenda.   Everything was so familiar yet exactly the opposite.

The service was sad but lovely.  I managed to sing and not break down.  I hope I made Brenda proud and honored her appropriately. 

At the graveside service I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.  It was becoming all too real.  After the service I was greeted by so many familiar faces.  It was bittersweet to be back there.  I was totally blindsided by the number of people that came up to me and told me how much Brenda loved me.   One of which, told me that Brenda often spoke of me and had even talked with her about me about a week before she died.  Wow…. I didn’t expect that.  I knew she loved me…..but to have it confirmed in such a way by people that had not spoken with me in years and by people who I didn’t even know. 

I know some people might not understand my love for Brenda or even my sadness over her passing.  And honestly, I didn’t expect it to hit me as hard as it has. 

Robin handed me a picture on Monday and told me that her mom kept that picture on her dresser.  When I looked at it, it was one of my senior portraits.  Robin said that she had never taken that picture down.  Wow, 12 years and a lot of water passed under the bridge….and this woman still thought enough of me to leave my picture up and see it every day. 

I can’t tell you how over whelmed I am with so many emotions about it all. Above all, I am thankful for being able to be there to celebrate her life on Wednesday.  I owe a debt of gratitude to Beth and Robert for not only inviting me to sing, but for allowing me to be there.  I somehow think Brenda was looking down on us and was proud that we could all be there together to honor her. 

In closing, I think sometimes family just loves you because they have to.  However, in my opinion, you don’t come across many people in life that you know love you –even when they don’t have to.  I divorced Brenda’s son years ago….but she loved me anyway.  I knew she loved me…but I hope she knew how much I love her.  I hope she knew how thankful I was to have been a part of her family- even if for a short while. 

Rest in peace my dear sweet friend….

wrinkled sheets

I am having company this weekend.  So, as usual I am running around a few hours before they get here trying to make sure the house is clean and presentable.  I began to make up our bed and realized that I was a little more than unhappy about the way those sheets looked.  I folded the covers back and stood at the edge looking at the wrinkles.  I just couldn't be happy with the way it looked. 

I noticed that I started to get a little negative about everything I did after that.  I began to think:  There were clothes in the hamper- I can never stay caught up on laundry.... there were a few stray dishes in the sink...why cant anyone ever take out the garbage.... I will never get caught up on my work stuff...  All thoughts that were going through my head.  Those dang wrinkled sheets were going to ruin my excitement over my family coming.  It was at that moment that I had an epiphany!! 

I think that sometimes we let our frustrations and negativity about something small ruin our perception of how great something really is.  For example:  Women fret over a few little pounds when they look in the mirror and cant see how beautiful they really are.  Children get mad and pout over something that they cant have and cant see how much they already have.  Men think if I could just get to that 6 figure income then I will be successful.  We, as today's society, just want more and more.  Nothing is ever good enough. 

Here's an another example:  A happily married couple living in a nice home in a nice neighborhood.  Their friends get a bigger, newer home... The happy couple start to dislike their home.  So they start to pick the house apart. The windows are a little drafty, the floors creak, the yards a little small...etc.etc.  They pick it apart so much that they cant even enjoy living in it for thinking about all the negative things about the house.  Finally, they sell the house and move to a bigger newer house.  Guess what?  There are negatives about that house too.  The cycle continues...They were too close minded to see the bigger picture of what they had in their nice home in their nice neighborhood. They had 3 loving children, good jobs, health, dependable transportation, and most of all they had each other.  They couldnt appreciate the rainbow because they couldn't get past the fact that they had to deal with a little rain. 

I know that I am as guilty as anyone.  Just like today, I couldn't see past those wrinkled sheets.  Here is a picture of what my negative self saw when I looked at those sheets.

But when I took a step back and looked at the situation as a whole it looked like this: 

If you notice in the picture you cant even really see those wrinkled sheets! 

So, my lesson for today:  Don't let a little "wrinkle" in our lives blur our vision so much that we cant see the beauty in what we do have.  Lets not worry about what we don't have... and learn to love the life we have and the people in it-- that's what matters the most. 

*SIDE NOTE*  I do not claim to be a writer.  My grammar is incorrect..and I am not even sure that this makes any sense to anyone. However, I am looking at the picture as a whole.  I hope that someone can read this and it makes them want to go and hug their family and be happy about what they do have.  Instead of being unhappy about what they don't have. 

Still small Voice

Some of you have heard me tell this story already.  However, I felt the need to share it with everyone.  

A few weeks ago, I was in Ozark catering a rehearsal dinner for my cousin. I had worked half a day and then went to finish buying food and flowers.  It just seemed like nothing had went the way it was supposed to.  And if you know anything about our family...nothing is ever simple.   I got aggravated, tired, and hungry. The family and I decided to go to Rodeo's for lunch.    By the time I arrived at Rodeo's I was just about on the verge of an anxiety attack.  My week was catching up with me, I was missing Bryan, and then we had to decorate AND cook the next day.   I was eating dinner and felt a tap on my arm and it was Stella Sanders Jones and then a few minutes later Daphne Hughes Johnston came to the table. We began to talk for a minute or two. Out of no where it seems, appeared this sweet angel face with long blond hair.  She was wearing the cutest little matchey match outfit and the most adorable rain boots!  You gotta love a girl that's prepared for a little rain!  :)  She didn't miss a minute  and ran right up to me like she had known me forever.  She gave me a little hug and runs away. Cutest thing ever. I think Daphne asked me, Do you know her? I told her no, I don't think so! Stella laughed, and told me that was Mallory Grace.   We said our goodbyes and I turned around to finish my meal. A minute or two passed and the next thing I know I hear the pitter patter of little feet.  Mallory Grace came right back up to me and stood on her tippy toes and gave me the sweetest hug and kiss on the cheek!   I could have just melted. I cant tell you how small I felt after that!   

Sometimes God speaks to us in still small voices.  To tune into God's voice we must turn off all the noise and distraction from our world.  God sent me Mallory Grace as that reminder to turn off all the noise and chaos of the day and just listen. 

You never know when your words or actions could make or break some one's day.  That's why we as adults should try to be more like Mallory Grace.  So, go out of your way to speak kind words to a stranger, or make an effort to smile at someone....you never know what that might mean to someone on the receiving end. 

Scuplin Wine

It seems like just yesterday that I was 12 years old. I would spend my summers at my granny and granddaddy Downs' house. It was a small wood frame home with an inviting porch across the front, complete with a porch swing. The house was nestled between Oak and Pecan trees. The Pecan trees provided ingredients for baking during the fall. The oak trees provided entertainment by giving us "ammunition" to shoot at each other. Who knew that a small piece of PVC pipe could be bent to make an "acorn" gun? And believe me when I tell you that if you could sling that pipe just right, when those acorns hit your bare legs, it would make you want to surrender!

My cousin Krysten and I spent many a warm summer day under those oak trees in that yard. We entertained ourselves by playing "Ann Varnum". For those of you reading this who are not from the Wiregrass area, Ann Varnum was a local television reporter. She had a morning talk show that included cooking segments. So, krysten and I would pretend that we were on her morning show and we were cooking for the camera. There was ALOT of times that we got in trouble for "picking" flowers to use in our recipes or swiping a spoon or two from the kitchen to dig in the dirt with.

The summers were always packed full of activities that we were required to help with. Begrudgingly of course! Canning, freezing, preserving all modes of food storage were used during the summer. I remember many early morning trips to Slocomb to pick tomatoes. We would leave their house before the sun came up. Grandaddy would stop by Hardees to get us a jelly biscuit and we were on our way. We would get to the field before the dew had dried. There is absolutely nothing like the smell of thousands of wet tomato plants. Many five gallon buckets full were picked over those years. They canned everything they could with tomatoes. Plain crushed tomatoes, spaghetti sauce, salsa, etc.

I can't remember everything that they canned and preserved. However, if it grew on a vine or plant and it was edible..they would process it and put it away to use another season.

One of the many things that stick out in my mind about summer and granny and granddaddy's house was the large Scuplin vine in their back yard. At one point it was almost half the size of their house!

For those of you that don't know what Scuplin's are, I will elaborate. Scuplins are also known as Scuppernongs or Muscadines and are a relative of the grape. They are native to the southeastern region of the U.S. The smell and taste of these grapes are so distinctive. I can still hear the screen door slamming behind me as I step out onto the steps and take a deep breath of Scuplin seasoned air. It was such a comforting smell. The only downside to that smell was that it always signaled school was about to start back.

Granny would send us out into the yard to pick Scuplin's. It's funny because it was always much more fun to pick them when we weren't supposed to. granny also had a regular grape vine in the yard. She made us kids some wonderful grape juice and grape jelly. Along with grape juice, she also made some juice out of Scuplin's that was more of an adult version. Although she didn't really tell us kids at the time what it was, Granny made Scuplin wine.

In my many years with them, I never saw her drink that Scuplin wine. I still believe she was an angel and it was just to use for her Christmas fruitcakes.

A few years ago, two girls that worked for me and myself set out on a beach trip. Low and behold as we exited off the interstate there was a winery. I had always wanted to go to a winery for a tasting. So we stopped by and checked it out. I took one sniff of that wine and knew immediately what it was... Scuplin wine. Honestly, I didn't really care for it all that much but I bought a case of it. I was even able to share a bottle of it with my Granny. I think she really liked it. She always tried to bring so much joy into my life, it was so rewarding to try and do that for her as I got older.

The other night, Bryan and I had some friends over for dinner. We broke out the wine that we had accumulated at several different wineries along the way. 80% of the wine we drank that evening was from Scuplin's. The wine is not necessarily on my top 10 favorites list. However, it's worth every penny when I pop the cork and the sweet smell of scuplins hits me. In that small fleeting moment I am 12 years old again underneath those oak trees and any minute Granny is going to call for me from the back porch.

7/3/2011

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

August 2nd--- written 8/2/2008

August 2nd, 1997……..


Does anyone remember what they were doing on this date 26 years ago? I do. It was the day I married my first husband—Robert. I was the ripe old age of 18, only two months out of high school, and was convinced that I was marrying the man that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Sure there were some things in my head that I was questioning right up to the minute of the wedding but I pushed back those concerns and put on a big smile. I could make this work. I would make this work. I would finally have the "little" family that I wanted for so long.




After the traditional wedding and reception ritual we said goodbye to our families and left on our way. What should have been the happiest day of my life ended with a fight before we were out of the state of Alabama? Oh well, so much for the fairytale. Was the honeymoon over before it even began? My heart screamed: Take me back to my mama! My head screamed back: What? You did this to get away from there and now you want to go back only one night into it? Oh my. What had I done? I cried the whole time we were on our honeymoon. Why was I crying? I had exactly what I wanted. Was this really IT?




We came home and settled into married life. Not much changed from that wedding night…. We continued down the same path. I began working and boy was I ever in for a shock. This was my first real job ever! I had never had to deal with workplace drama and all the procedure and protocol. Wow, family life is hard!




I remember the day that things started to take a downhill turn for me. My Step-Father Robert died. I was devastated. I became very depressed after that. There were days that I would come home from work and crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. There were days that I wouldn't even get out of bed. I didn't do anything but sleep. It would have been okay if I had never left that bed.





We made it past our first year mark and things were just okay. We were just getting by. At this point I had taken a job in Troy and was very miserable with that decision. I was also working a part time job. I still remember thinking, is this IT? Is this the "happiness" that I have tried to create for myself?




I became even more depressed after the passing of my grandfather. Married life was not okay anymore. All we did was fight. And all I wanted to do was just melt away. I tried talking to him about things and always heard the same answer. Pretty soon, I just wanted to disappear. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't be happy about anything. I couldn't fix him. I couldn't fix myself. I couldn't fix my "little family". I felt like such a failure.




One morning I woke up and said to myself, I have to do something. I was supposed to go and stay with my brother while my mom was out of town. So I packed up my bag and left that house in the country not realizing then that I would never go back there in the same way. I don't remember much about how or when exactly I made the decision. But I never went back to that house as his wife.




Looking back over the years, I regret the way I left. At the time, I was just doing what I felt was the only thing I knew to do.





When people find out that I have been married before they always ask the same question: Would you do it all again the same way? My answer is always: Absolutely! I would marry him all over again to get to this point in my life. It was a hard road filled with bad choices and some of them I wish I could change. However, it was just the beginning of so many things for me.




Fast forward 13 years…….. And I still look back on August 2, 1997 with some fondness. I married into a wonderful family who I still consider part of me. I made so many wonderful friends, some of which I still keep in contact with. I learned so many lessons. I lived a lifetime in those 22 months we were married. It helped to shape me into the person I am today. It also set the foundation for the wonderful "little family" I have with the true love of my life.




August 2, 1997: An anniversary that I will never forget and one that I hope I can continue to look back on and see how truly blessed my life has been!

My Only "Child" - 07-2008

My only "child"


OK, I know for some of you this blog will be somewhat controversial. Right off the bat I want to address the two groups that are bound to have some negative annotation regarding this blog and my feelings discussed herein.

For all the people that have human children and for the others that don't understand "doggy moms" like me: Please do me a favor. Go ahead and read this blog anyway. What I am about to say may not make sense.... and I am sure in some people's minds there will be some sort of judgment cast on my sanity. For those folks, we can just agree that I am mental and leave it at that. For the others, I hope that it sheds a little light on why I am the way I am.

For all the others: (sympathizers, fellow doggy parents, and anyone else that might understand) I appreciate your continued understanding of my feelings.

For as long as I can remember I have always wanted children. When I was 12 or 13 I used to beg my mother to adopt a child so that I could take care of it. (that probably needs some psycho analysis) I have always been in mothering mode in one way or another or felt the urge to be a mother. For example: I always seemed to be the "mother" where my brother was concerned. Where my dad was concerned I always seemed to be required to give the parental type lectures to him about his behavior-- when I was only a teenager myself. When my baby cousin Taylor was born I stepped up and took care of him while my aunt was having some health issues after childbirth. Summer was the perfect time for the little mother I was, because babysitting duty was always available.

Even after I married the first time, I helped to take care of friend's children before I had to go out and get a "real" job. And even after I started to work I would always try to spend time with them. It is hard to put my finger on what the feeling was that I got from taking care of children was. But the first thing that comes to mind is that it gave me a sense of accomplishment to take care of someone. The feeling of being unconditionally loved is one of the most indescribable feelings. The way it feels to be needed by a child. All of those feelings that "mothering" brings to me are hard to name but easily desired whatever the feelings may be.

With all that said, I have always had an innate sense of urgency to be a mother and have a family.

Bryan and I have been married going on about 7 years. We have always been very driven in our work. And have only in the past two years both felt the intense urge to start our family. It has always been there but I think it has accelerated with each passing year.

Even early on in our marriage I felt the need to have something to need me, and love me. So I did what any wife would do. I bought Bryan a dog for his birthday. Ha! In my mind he was the one that wanted the dog—so I was doing something nice for him. However, that first day after bringing Wilson home I became very concerned. I put him on his pillow down beside my desk and just knew that he would sleep there for several hours. I began to work and the next thing I know there was the tiniest little licks on my leg. I ignored him at first, but then I heard a little puppy whimper! Oh! Be still my heart! I scooped him up and comforted him. He politely walked right up my arm and curled his little body around my neck. He placed his little face right up next to the side of my neck. And before I could get him down, I could tell from his breathing that he was fast asleep. I let him stay there for a while and then tried to position him back to his bed on the floor. We repeated the same steps over again for the entire day. I thought to myself, "What have I done?"

The next day Wilson got really sick. I was a wreck. I didn't know what to do with this tiny sick puppy! Why do bad things always happen when your spouse is at work and not there to help you handle them? Haha

Needless to say I pulled it together and took him to the vet. The vet walked in and asked what was going on. I got about three words out of my mouth and suddenly burst into tears. I immediately thought to myself, "you idiot you are going to scare this man to death." I stopped talking to him and just looked at him. He smiled and said "Its okay, it sounds like just a virus." After that type of reassurance I felt sort of silly. But I was still worried. The Vet quickly gave him a few shots and handed me bottles of medication and a lot of instructions. "Call me if you need me", he said.

I got into my car with this tiny almost lifeless puppy. He was wrapped up in one of Bryan's t-shirts. You could only see his little face sticking out. And that's when the worry set in. I said to myself, "this is just a dog, try not to freak out about it." My brain heard it but my heart didn't get the same memo. I had fallen in love with that tiny puppy in a matter of two short days! Wilson recovered shortly from the virus but my life has not been the same since!

Wilson quickly became a member of our family. He soon had his own little doggy wardrobe, his own travel bag, his own little home, his own blanket, pillow….. Well okay, he soon took over the house and everything was his. We started our little photography sessions that evolved into the infamous Christmas card pictures.

In 2004, Wilson had an unexplainable episode. Of course I was alone at work when it happened. I rushed home to Bryan and said "oh my goodness, I do not know what to do." But, by the time I got Wilson home the spell was over. I was crying and shaking. Bryan is just standing there with a grin on his face and telling me to get it together. After a lot of worry and yet another visit to the vet the next morning we learned that our "dog" has Epilepsy. I cannot imagine watching a human having a seizure, much less my little "dog". It is a scary thing to see. Even when it happens now, it still scares me.

In 2005, Wilson began to hide from me and to act like he was in terrible pain. I took him to the vet. He assured me that Wilson was okay and that he should be back to normal the next day. The next day Wilson was not better, in fact he was worse! I rushed him back up to the office and demanded we get to the bottom of this. I was in that office about 1 and a half hours. I watched the vet treat him like he was a "dog". Wilson was in pain and became a dog that I didn't know. He snapped at the vet tech and the vet when they tried to hold him down on his back to do an x-ray of his spine. That vet brought my dog back in the room covered in poop and he was holding him by the neck with his body dangling unsupported. (Thinking back I probably should have sued him for some sort of doggy malpractice) Wilson was scared to death.

The doctor finally called me into the hall to look at the x-rays. He said, "Wilson has intervertebral disc disease. We can treat it with steroids and cage rest or we can refer him to Auburn for surgery." I immediately said "Get me the first appointment you can with Auburn."

I walked out of that office not really comprehending what he had just said to me and everything that had just happened to Wilson. I was just concentrating on getting Wilson calmed down and back home. I got home and got Wilson bathed and settled onto his bed. I was okay…..until I googled: Interverterbral Disc Disease Daschund. I read all the information and it was only then that I understood what we were in for. I cried for the next several weeks.

We went to our appointment in Auburn. These docs are brilliant with what they do…….but they still treated Wilson like he was a "dog". They asked us to leave Wilson for two days for testing. I was beside myself. Bryan didn't really understand why I was losing my mind. The neurologist finally calls and tells us that he needs surgery and that there are all kinds of bad complications that could happen either way—if he has it or doesn't have it. I cry some more.

We decide to proceed with the surgery. I had to leave my "dog" in Auburn for several days. How is this fair? Why do they insist on treating him like he is just some "dog"? He is practically my child and I had to leave him in a cage knowing he was scared. It broke my heart to leave knowing that he was going to have this huge operation on his spinal cord the next day and that if something happened to him that I would never get to see him again. I was emotionally a wreck.

Long story short…Wilson came through the operation and had no side effects at all. He is as active now as he has ever been. The surgery was very successful. And I am forever grateful.

Going through all of that with him has only made me love him even more. He is truly our "doggy baby". And although some people will never understand that "dog" is just like our child in as many ways as he can possibly be. He loves us unconditionally. He always forgives us and he always is glad to see us come home. He never talks back to us. He is never rude or disrespectful, even when he gets in trouble for tearing up his toys. He doesn't even hold it against me when I forget his birthday. ** See note**

Some people have voiced their opinions to me about my feelings about Wilson. I admit that sometimes I am a little overly sensitive when people just don't understand. But please think of it this way, you just may not really understand what is going on in someone's life. If a "dog" brings them happiness then far be it from me to say anything negative about it.

In my situation, most of my close friends and family know that Bryan & I have under gone some fertility treatments in the past two years. Awhile back I found out that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and also found out that I have only one fallopian tube. These two issues make my chances of conceiving naturally very slim. According to my doctor the average person has a 50% chance each month of conceiving. My chances with fertility drugs and fertility procedures (other than IVF) are around 10%. So for me, I just do what I can to try and understand why things are the way they are. And I hope that people maybe can understand me a little better after reading this. So, for all of you parents out there who don't understand "doggy parents". I ask you to think of what your life might be like if you didn't have children but still had the aching to have them. For me being a "doggy parent" is my own way of keeping my sanity until God blesses us with a child or until He makes it clear to me that being a "real" parent is not in His plan for me. Until then, I will continue to be the whacky woman with the dog she loves too much.

In closing I want to address something someone said to me a while back. She said "Jennifer, you just will never know love- until you are loved by a child." While this person meant well; she has two children. I think that I know a good bit about love. While I may never know the love of a child as a parent, I do know the love of a "dog". Be that what it may.

I hope that this might explain my feelings on the situation to anyone that might not understand why I am they way I am when it comes to my dog. If not, I feel better--- just getting some things of my chest here.


(*** I forgot Wilson's B-day this year!! I was so upset at myself about it but knew that I couldn't tell many people that would understand. So I did this blog to try and make myself feel better and to at least proclaim to the world how much I love this "doggy baby". ) Look for pictures to be posted soon of his belated birthday party! hahaha

Eulogy for my Grandmother 4/28/2007

Eulogy for my Grandmother!

(this was written on the morning of her funeral 4-28-07, I was able to speak at the funeral. Thank God, I didnt break down! )



What can you say in a few words about the passing of a grandmother? There are so many memories that I could share, so many things to say. Each of us grandchildren has so many memories of her. However, today I want to share a few things that granny taught me.






Granny taught me a lot about life. She taught me the importance of living a good Christian life. – She always made sure that we heard about Jesus. And if she wasn't telling us to go to church….then she was taking us to church. And if she wasn't talking about the bible or Jesus…then she was singing about it. I remember so fondly those times in church…… sitting on that second row at Ebenezer Baptist church. You could always hear her sing. Even as she got older and her vision failed. She would sing from memory. She knew the words and never missed a note. She had two jobs during church……..one was to keep us grand children behaving; the other was to keep grand-daddy from sleeping.



She taught me about keeping gas in the car! One summer Krysten, Granny and I were going to town. However, Granny was very low on gas. So, granny had to coast downhill. But while shifting gears on the automatic car---granny missed the N and hit the R. We went back up that hill screeching tires. From that day on I was so scared of having to coast downhill that now I make sure to keep a full tank of gas.





She taught me the importance of knowing when to shut up! Around the age of 13 or 14 she and I began to not get a long so well. It was only because my smart mouth seemed to not know when to shut up. Later on in life, I learned that sometimes you just have to let her win……. Because most of the time granny was always right! (And now looking back, she really was right)





She taught me respect for other people's things. While we were young and rambunctious……. Something would eventually get broken. She would usually be really mad or really sad….and then say " I CANT have NOTHING!" Now when something breaks at my house, those 4 words come racing back. Usually once I say them, I cant help but smile.





She taught me about soap opera's. I can't tell you how many summer days I spent at her house watching As the World Turns and Guiding light. Some could argue that this is a bad habit to have. But for now, I will watch them just to feel close to her. I know just how much she loved them.





She taught me the importance of family. It was the second thanksgiving that my husband and I spent in our new house. And we wanted so badly to have everyone over for thanksgiving. Granny was a little reluctant, but she came. She and mom spent the night at my house the night before. We cooked that night and then we all three settled in the living room to watch some television. I think at some point, all of us, mom, granny and I ended up on the couch. I remember my husband Bryan coming in and saying: "That's a couch full of Downs's!" It was okay, because for that one moment in my life—all was right with the world. That was the first and the last time that she spent the night at my house. But for me, it was a memory that I will cherish forever.





She taught me to appreciate flowers. I can't tell you how many times we got in trouble growing up because we would pick her camellias and hydrangeas. To Krysten and I they were just ingredients in our mud pies. But to granny they were God's beauty come to life. Now each day I can look out and appreciate the flowers a little more.




She taught me a good bit about cooking. We all know that grandmothers are the best cooks. I have so many memories of cooking with her. Mostly I remember taking all of my cooking experiments to her to taste. Believe it or not she always liked whatever I took her.




And finally, she taught me the importance of having a handkerchief. Granny always had a handkerchief in her purse for runny noses or tears. Today most of us carry a handkerchief to wipe our tears of sorrow for her. But we should all find joy in knowing that Granny no longer needs her handkerchief. She is happy in Heaven reunited with grand-daddy.




So, in closing let us all remember the lessons that she taught us.

-a love for Jesus

- Always keep gas in the car!

- Respect for others

- A love for family

- Stop and appreciate the flowers

- How to enjoy a good home cooked meal

- Love your grandchildren!




We should all take those lessons to heart and pass them on to everyone we can! One can only hope that we could be half the person she was.




I love you granny and miss you more than words could say!