Rest in peace my dear sweet friend.....

There are so many other things that I need to be doing.  So many….  However, my mind just keeps going back to the events of last week and the loss of a special person.  My previous mother in law, Brenda Steed passed away on Tuesday of last week. 

It’s no secret that I was married previously before I married Bryan.  Robert and I met my junior year in high school after my friend (who also happened to be his sister, Robin) introduced us when my date for my junior prom backed out at the last minute.  Robert and I went on one date and were inseparable after that. Our casual dating quickly progressed into a serious relationship.   I was also quickly adopted into his family as if I had been there all my life.  Robin and I immediately declared that we were sisters.  And His mother, Brenda, took me in and treated me as if I was her daughter.  

If there was a need or want for something then Brenda found a way to get it. She always wanted her children to be happy.   And I don’t know if I ever knew anyone who liked a good sale as much as she did.   I remember like it was yesterday.  I was going on a cruise the summer before my senior year.  I came in one afternoon to find that she had bought me a whole new wardrobe to wear.  Of course it was all on SALE…..  And then one day she found out that I collected bears.  To this day I still have bear collectibles that I initialed with “BCS” and the date she gave them to me.   It wasn’t the stuff that meant so much to me.  It was the fact that I knew that it was her way of showing her love….

She gave of her love so willingly and so freely.  I will never forget that once Robert and I started furnishing our “home” she was on a mission then.  I think she shopped every dollar store from the Florida line to Montgomery to help furnish our little mobile home.  One thing that I remember she purchased were the cutest valances for the kitchen.  They were gingham checked with black and white cows on them.  Our kitchen was decorated in black and white cows.  Yet another thing for her to surprise me with from time to time—cow stuff for the kitchen. 

Brenda was a very good cook also.  Of course she was very well known for her “little layer” chocolate cake.  However, she used to make this apple cobbler like dessert that I loved.  She would cook down apples in her cast iron frying pan and then she would take the canned biscuits that had all of the little layers and pull them apart and put them on top.  She would dust the top with cinnamon and sugar and then bake it.  It was so good.

She loved Christmas…. Not only did she love to GIVE at Christmas but she loved to decorate for Christmas.  That woman had a Christmas village that would rival some of the best ones I have seen.  

After Robert and I married she always respected the fact that I wanted to start new traditions for our little family.  I remember the first new year’s we celebrated in our home.  I cooked all the traditional foods for new years and set the table with our china.  She was always so proud to come and eat at our house. 

I’ll never forget one day Brenda bought herself a bread maker.  I kind of laugh about it because I don’t know that Brenda ever used that bread maker in the two years that Robert and I was married.  She let me try it out immediately after she bought it.  That bread maker stayed at our house and I learned to make all kinds of things in that machine.  She was happy about it because she had the better end of the deal.  She supplied the bread maker and I made all the goodies and shared them with her.  I guess I should have felt guilty about taking over her bread maker….but she didn’t mind.     In the past 12 years I have owned A LOT of kitchen gadgets.  I’ve never owned a bread maker.  I have come close to buying a bread maker several times.  Every time I think about it… I think about her. 

There are so many memories of Brenda during my time in that family.  Some of them are good and some of them are typical mother-in-law type memories.  I mean two hens are bound to tie up every now and again.  Through it all, I loved her and I know she loved me. 

After Robert and I divorced, I always tried to keep in touch with her.  I would call her from time to time to check up on her.  I always tried to call her or email her on August 2^nd- that was Robert and my anniversary.  She always sounded so happy to hear from me.  I can still hear her voice.  I can remember the phone call when she told me that she was going to be a grandmother.  She called me to tell me so I wouldn’t hear it from anyone else.  She knew about my infertility struggle and didn’t want me to be upset.  That news she shared on that phone call, although bittersweet for me, was news that I knew she had been waiting on for years.  I was so happy that she was finally getting her wish of having a grandchild.  I knew she was overjoyed. 

Over the past year or so for one reason or another, Brenda and I had not spoken.  I had heard that she was diagnosed with cancer but I did not know the extent of her battle.  I emailed her a few times and even emailed her on August 2^nd this year.  I didn’t hear back from her.   I didn’t try to call her anymore after that. I thought of her often. 

Last week after our visit to Graceland I looked up some Elvis music and began to listen to it. A lot of his music was southern gospel music. I heard a lot of songs that night that I had not heard in a long time.  I felt a sense of comfort.  I didn’t know that hundreds of miles away that very evening Brenda was losing her battle to cancer.  Unusually that night I had a bad dream and woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep for the longest time.  I can’t remember anything about the dream except that I was scared in my dream and I was gasping for breath.  I couldn’t ever settle down and go back to sleep after that so I picked up my phone and started surfing Facebook.  It was there that I found out about Brenda's death.  As I began to get up and get dressed that day I realized that I had a song stuck in my head.  The song was- “Farther Along”.  .  It wasn’t until this evening that I looked at those words on paper.   Wow… Here are the lyrics: 

Tempted and tried we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong

Chorus
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We'll understand it better by and by from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brad_paisley/farther_along.html ]
When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
And then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year

When we see Jesus coming in glory
When he comes down from his home in the sky
Then we shall meet him in that bright mansion
We'll understand it better by and by

WOW….. I didn’t realize the power in those words until tonight.  Some people may say that it all was a coincidence but I know everything happens for a reason…

After finding out about Brenda’s death I felt as if I had been hit in the chest.  My heart ached.  I struggled to know what to do or say or how to even let Robert and Robin know how sorry I was to hear about her passing.  I always wanted to be respectful of Robert’s wife, Beth.  I just didn’t know if it would even be appropriate to be there to pay my last respects to Brenda.    As Bryan and I were driving home from Mississippi that day I got a call and email from the family asking me to sing at the funeral.  I don’t even know what name to give the emotion I felt.  Brenda had told me before that she wanted me to sing at her funeral….but I NEVER thought I would actually have to. 

In all of this I must say that I have the most amazing husband in the world for him to be so understanding about all of this.  He never questioned my attending her funeral or singing.  But yet he was helpful and very supportive in getting me to Brundidge the next day for the funeral.  God has blessed me with a great man. 

I arrive at the funeral and see a lot of people that I have not seen in 12 years, including my ex-husband and his wife.  I was worried about that.  I didn’t know how I would be received.  I walked down the aisle toward Brenda’s casket and greeted Robert first.   Somehow, I retained my emotion as I gave him my condolences.  It all seemed surreal.  I NEVER thought that I would have to do that.  I greeted Robin next and I just wished I could’ve taken away her pain.  I moved on nervously to Beth. I don’t know how but I managed to talk to her. I tried to tell her how much it meant to me that I was able to be there.  There was so much I wanted to say to her.  I wanted to tell her how happy I was that she and Robert found love and have a family. I couldn’t find all the words.   I probably never will.  I hugged her and told her how sorry I was that she and I had to meet under these circumstances.  I probably was a bumbling idiot when talking to her.  Who knew that I would meet her standing at Brenda’s casket?  Wow…

 I still couldn’t believe that I was here in the church that I joined 12 years ago saying goodbye to Brenda.   Everything was so familiar yet exactly the opposite.

The service was sad but lovely.  I managed to sing and not break down.  I hope I made Brenda proud and honored her appropriately. 

At the graveside service I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.  It was becoming all too real.  After the service I was greeted by so many familiar faces.  It was bittersweet to be back there.  I was totally blindsided by the number of people that came up to me and told me how much Brenda loved me.   One of which, told me that Brenda often spoke of me and had even talked with her about me about a week before she died.  Wow…. I didn’t expect that.  I knew she loved me…..but to have it confirmed in such a way by people that had not spoken with me in years and by people who I didn’t even know. 

I know some people might not understand my love for Brenda or even my sadness over her passing.  And honestly, I didn’t expect it to hit me as hard as it has. 

Robin handed me a picture on Monday and told me that her mom kept that picture on her dresser.  When I looked at it, it was one of my senior portraits.  Robin said that she had never taken that picture down.  Wow, 12 years and a lot of water passed under the bridge….and this woman still thought enough of me to leave my picture up and see it every day. 

I can’t tell you how over whelmed I am with so many emotions about it all. Above all, I am thankful for being able to be there to celebrate her life on Wednesday.  I owe a debt of gratitude to Beth and Robert for not only inviting me to sing, but for allowing me to be there.  I somehow think Brenda was looking down on us and was proud that we could all be there together to honor her. 

In closing, I think sometimes family just loves you because they have to.  However, in my opinion, you don’t come across many people in life that you know love you –even when they don’t have to.  I divorced Brenda’s son years ago….but she loved me anyway.  I knew she loved me…but I hope she knew how much I love her.  I hope she knew how thankful I was to have been a part of her family- even if for a short while. 

Rest in peace my dear sweet friend….